i kinda wanna rename this blog... or rename my whole project. the thing about being a person who makes things, an 'artist' is that by nature you are experimental. i am not a technician, a person who executes things. i think them up, and try things that often fail before one of them goes right. you have to question your own process and your own way of being and making. and that inevitably gives way to change. i think about what i was interested in when i started this project, only a few years ago, and how much it has evolved. the whole point is different. and now i'm going to parsons to be a design/tech/geek. things change. people change.

any ideas for a new name? with a new name, i'm also thinking about what it IS that i'm interested in DOING. you know, like branding. although not branding for branding's sake. more like, trying to figure out what it is i value about having a blog/website/making video/taking pictures/and stealing things from around the web. why do i do it? what's the point? that's not a nihilistic or rhtorical question. what am i doing?

i think there are answers in this picture, which i did not take. it's from ^RedBull^'s flickr stream, and i like it. i'm trying to be better about saying where i'm stealing from.

my excuse for not posting very often is that I no longer have Internet in my house...

I was stealing it, and now it's gone.

No matter, I actually knd of enjoy it... Kinda.

I feel good. I have given up on a lot of fights, and that makes me feel like I've won. Pick your battles, u know? I have let go of some emotional baggage and opened some new doors. Good sex. Good people. Less worry. More fun.

If you've never been to fire island on the fourth of July u have to go. I made out with darlinda just darlinda after the invasion and she covered me in orange body paint. The entire weekend I only wore speedos and party dresses. I made a 15.5. hour playlist that played all day on the fourth, and the house told me I had the best taste of any guest they ever had. Chris wore a burka.

If you've never been to the eagle in NYC on CODE night u have to go. The daddies are hot. "leather and jeans." hair cuts and shoe shines. Stare at the guy through the fencing in the bathroom, don't bother pretending you aren't.

If you never go out dancing, you should.

i'm going to grad school.

i'm really excited about it. i'm going to get an MFA in Design and Technology at Parsons. it's been in the works for a long time, but its real now and i'm excited about it. i'm excited about change, about moving forward, about challenge. i am not excited about debt, but i think i will come out with a useful degree that can make me some money, and be satisfying.

there are all these pieces out about how graduate school isn't really a good idea for a lot of people, and accumulating debt can be really bad for you... and that makes me nervous. but i really honestly truly do think that coming out with this degree in two years will enable me to embark on a career path that would never have been available to me without it. i'll be creative in my work and have the possibility of making actual money, of working for a company that's actually growing. it's very exciting, and i wanted to share it w/ u.

in other news, heading to the eagle tonight with a buddy, then off to fire island for the weekend. what could be better? the new ciara video, that's what could be better. i found it via zachary at naked russians. i want a dump truck. and i wanna learn that jiggly dance they do in the second chorus. i do not have the boot-ay. i will look stupid. but i'm gonna learn it anyway.

it's wednesday and i feel like i'm just starting to recover from pride weekend. hands down the best pride i've ever had. it started with a bang on thursday night at the east village boys party. the party was fun and sexy and very sweaty. they had it at The Hose, which has a pole, which i'd like to think i used to great effect.

friday was about dancing at mr black, which i have to say was stupendously fun. josh and i had lots of lovely moments on the dance floor. we freaked out about house music together, and marveled at the magic of it. we drank lots of water, and when we got tired we cuddled on the couches upstairs and watched the gogo's.

saturday was quieter, drinks with old friends, a lovely lovely rendezvous that should have happened a LONG time ago, and drinks with friends from africa. early to bed.
sunday was the pride parade, making out with very cute and very drunk boys, avoiding old flames, the pier dance, and the eagle. an incredible day. the pier dance was the most fun i've had in a long time. i was a SHRIMP there, just like black party (i wonder what the percentage of overlap is between those two parties?) but still met a lot of fun new people. EVERYBODY there was a couple it felt like, but that didn't mean they didn't want to dance with me anyway ;-)

a few days ago i was writing about zen. it's not zen i was talking about, more like deciding that things don't really matter. is that zen? i took a budhism class in college but i don't remember.

yesterday max said that he feels we leos are being TESTED. he capitalized it in our gchat conversation, just like that. i told him i thought so too, and we proceeded to have a rather long conversation about it where we'd alternate making observations and having the other person go 'OMG YOU TOO?!' i believe in the zodiac.

i also believe that all this testing will pass soon (get it?). i think that july is going to be a lot like the june that never was. less conflict and less rain. more sunshine and more love.

last month i wrote something to the effect of 'what if i just had enough love for everyone.' the reality is i don't. i don't have enough love for everyone. loneliness isn't so bad. i'm not a mess frankly, frankly i'm just fine. we're all gonna be fine and we all just need to take one big jagged little chill pill and it will all be fine.

"the trick is to keep breathing".

good things coming. it's pride this weekend, and i'm gogoing the east village boys party, which i think is gonna be pretty packed and lots of fun. i feel special about it. i have another gig w/ mimi imfurst later that week, and have lots of other party plans. i intend to celebrate this weekend. cause the things that are tricky and difficult are not that bad, and i'm better than that. i may be narcissistic and nihilistic and occasionally sad and even self-destructive... but i'm zen and i'm fine.

leo:

hi

i have so much to SAY!!!!!!

but i'm not sure where to start.

i went to fire island this weekend and had a beautiful time. late dinners in evening gowns, naked hot tubs, queer as folk style dance parties, lots of coronas, and boys. there's video... fun times, despite the somewhat nasty weather. there was this moment at 'tea' (if you're not familier, i can't help you) when it was pouring, and all these gays were huddled under their bar umberellas with their gin and tonics, trying to still look cool. was pretty epic and awesome.

folsom street east was yesterday, and that was pretty fun. saw SO many people i knew, and met lots of new people i didn't. lots to hang out with cute boy(s). i saw joe from joe.my.god (he was a guest judge in the 'eat a pie off someone's ass' contest. i also saw dave from slick it up and house of vader. he was an ass in the 'eat a pie off someone's ass' contest. both looked hot and do not know me but will hopefully notice i'm linking to them.

and yet today i'm raging. raging and rioting. i don't know what to say other than that. i am trying to control myself, to work towards better. healthier. to keep myself in check and to think before i move. to avoid stupid things, but remain in balance. i am trying. for the record, i have excellent balance. i can shut my eyes and stand on one foot. try it, you'll fall over. i will not.

i have had a crazy last 24 hours. first i felt inspired, then i felt sexy, then i felt hopeful, then i felt nervous, then i felt guilty, then i felt terrified, then i felt hopeful again, then i felt like crying, then i felt pessimistic and bratty, then i felt zen. this is all true, and it happened in that order. i met someone i like, who knows people i want to like. i've fessed up to some things, to myself. i have to wait and see how it pans out. i got a new gogo gig. now i feel proactive. i have some things to deal with my friends. dark things, scary things. but we can do this. it's not that serious. i feel like this now:

Moon

i made a video, and i like it. w/ a new camera that is oodles better than the one i had, but still not amazing. but oodles better. i haven't made anything like this for a really long time. which is interesting. i felt like i kept failing, and it probably had a lot to do with having a perceived notion of what i wanted to make. let that go, and then you can just build from scratch. i don't feel strongly about this video, but i don't hate it, and that's saying a lot these days. it's short. have fun.

ready. i'm ready now. i really am. i had about 24 hours of not being ready, but that has passed. now i'm anxious, determined, and aggressive. impatient. no sitting, only running.