new video from estelle. wow. didn't see this one coming. i feel like the gays are gonna love it and nobody else is going to get it. good for her though.

role models

wholy shit, new favorite music video. this is almost 100% perfect. and where is it from?!?! sweden of course. those bitches are simply just absolutely better at pop music. they know what it is. they get that it's a joke, but they totally appreciate and adore and love the joke. god. seriously?! watch this. if i went to paradise this is what it would look like

i found this over at the butt blog this morning, and I think it's just beautiful. it's the first single from jonsi's (siger for sigur ros) solo album. the song is haunting and uplifting, and the video is just fucking gorgeous. ug, can't get over it. enjoy.

i had a dream.

i haven't had time to write it down but i remember the important parts still. there's a party, it's my house I think, my parents house. something like that. of course it is huge, ornate, beautiful. there's a party, i'm not sure why. the house is full, and things get a little crazy. people are everywhere. this man comes to the door and tells me he's been so excited to see me. he brought me and my family gifts. he picked out things he knew we would like even though we've never met before. he now expects that we're going to go upstairs and fuck, which I don't really want to do, but agree because he seems nice enough, i'm in a good mood, and i don't want to make a scene.

as we're climbing up the stairs, people are tucked into corners, naked, fucking. sometimes right out in the open. i'm surprised, but happy. at least everyone is having a good time.

and then, i pass you. you have your dick up the ass of that boy we all say looks just like you. which is weird on a lot of levels. you've never met before, I didn't know either of you were coming, but yet here you are. and i haven't seen you or spoken to you for months. the look on your face as we make eye contact lets me know you didn't know I would be here either. you smile, you are happy to see me. you want me to come over to say hi, but i just smile and shrug and walk further up the stairs with the man. i don't want to talk.

seeing you throws me though, it upsets me. what are you doing here? as we get to the bed room, i drunkenly turn around and tell the man that i'm sorry, but i just saw something extremely confusing, and i'm upset, and i don't want to have sex. he's confused and sad and angry, but i'm mean, i casually tell him to just get over it and figure out another plan. i'm not very nice to him, but i have my own things to worry about. he leaves in a huff, and i'm left alone in the bedroom. from the doorway i can see down the stairs, i can see you still fucking him.

i get out my camera, and move in to take a photo of you two. i zoom in, because i want to know if you're wearing a condom for him or not. I assume you aren't, and that you don't care what that will mean for your twin stranger. i'm right. after taking the photo, i go back into the room to examine my evidence, and from the corner of my eye, i see the gift-bearing man step into the frame of the door. i turn around. he raises his hand. and shoots me in the head.

i stumble out of the door, blood seeping into my eyes, thinking that if i can just get down the stairs, someone will see and call for help. and then i wake up.

later that night, the dream picks up again. i don't remember the details of this part as clearly, but it ends the same way. bullets in my head.

i'm taking comfort in the idea that that all came from eating something weird, as the next day i started breaking out into hives. i'm still breaking out in hives.

g-l-a-m-o-r-o-u-s

i had a date last night. i have a date tonight. i have a 'not date' wednesday. i am a dating machine! my homework is lighter i heard this song at the bar last night and omg it's good. sleigh bells, who knew? apparently they're involved with MIA's new album or something. brooklyn werk. http://www.myspace.com/sleighbellsmusic you can download some of there stuff at stereogum.

life is full of good things and bad things.

the best we can do is try to have more good things than bad things.

right now, i feel like i'm a lucky bitch and the good things way out weigh the bad things.

i can't really even describe it, but i am surrounded by good things. i've brought those things to me. the things in my life make me happy not sad, and if that's all you can say, then that's pretty good.

i'm happy new orleans won the super bowl.

i'm happy about dates and beauty. i'm happy about the cold, and about being a boy who rides around on a bike through new york city. i'm happy about school, and about my future.

i'm happy that you reached out, and i can deal with it.

i'm a flirt and a skank and a flake and a jerk sometimes, but i'm also smart and beautiful and engaging and honest and caring and protective and loving. my mom thinks i'm a catch.

so i'm happy.

the good news is i feel solid. it's kinda crazy. the aftermath. i've made my choices, they're my choices. i make 'em and i stick to 'em.

bad news, ya'll bitches are crazy. like batshitmutherfuckin crazy. and not just you (yes, you) even the sane people be crazy. i swear, i have had more faggot drama in the last two weeks than in the last two years. that's probably not true, but usually i just make up my own internal drama and it's totally fake and i freak out about it but nobody else gives a shit. now i have crazy bitches txting my crazy things, messing in my sex life, acting all shady, writing me nonsense on my blog.

do you read cory koon's blog? I do, i enjoy it, you should read it too if you like it. he has one about cooking that i know he likes more, but i can't find the link to it.

finally, i've started to figure out some new ways to organize my online presence, etc. for a while i've felt a little trapped by this blog, because i was trying to make it professional as well as personal. i'm coming up with some new ways to frame things that will help me out on that. it takes forever, but it's coming along.

also, i want to have sex with everything that moves. i should be tracking this with the moon or something cause the phases i go through are so distinct and so regular. there's got to be something in the sky determining my sex drive, it's the only logical explanation.

so today is the first day back at school. which probably means that eventually i won't have much time to blog anymore, but oh well. i'll do my best. i do enjoy sitting down to write about myself when i do it, it's all about habit.

i'm really excited to see what my work ends up looking like this semester. i feel like i grew a lot over the last semester, and a lot over the past month off. i feel focused in someways and unfocused in others. i feel a little confused about what i want my career to be.

i've alluded to dealing with issues of shame and guilt. things we hid and things we share, how we preface things when we admit something. sharing secrets and stuff like that. i've realized that a lot of those issues are tied up in ideas about career. i see the phase i'm in now as somewhat temporary. i realize i'm being cryptic here, but that's what it is. i feel like, in a year and a half, i'll be out of grad school and want a job, and that my sex-positive gogo/burlesque gay party person past may interfere with that. but on the other hand, i don't imagine myself working for people who really give a damn. i don't know, it's complicated, it's what i'm thinking about, so i'm writing it down. comments welcome.

speaking of comments, i have been getting more. my traffic isn't really that high these days, but my readers are saying things. my favorites are the people who leave anonymous comments indicating that they actually know me in person, or knew me at one point. it's probably fake or just one person doing it, but it's pretty interesting. who are you, and what an interesting way to weigh in on the decisions i'm making. very weird.

one good thing. heading back into school does make me feel like i can be a bit more motivated with my time. i had a lot of goals for my break, and some of them were accomplished and many of them were not. i don't feel that bad about it, that's what break is for. but now, my friends, is time to get shit done. go!